i can tell she loves me. she let me be with her for 3 almost 4 days straight. she must have gotten tired of me at some point. I just got SO used to her SO fast being the last thing i see at night and the first thing i see in the morning. sleeping wont be the same. eating wont be the same. activities wont be the same. LIVING wont be the same. There is a part of me that never wants to leave. To always be here for her and her mom. I would say i have another side, but my first side killed my other side in an attempt to get its way. haha. she is at school right now and im actually REALLY missing her. last night/this morning was really special. I feel as if though I am about to cry. She isnt here. what if i leave and i leave here for good? as in move out. :( ill cry. My life is changing. I have alot more time now. virtually I can go out ANYTIME. literally. I hope she wants to spend time with me. I mean. pretty much all i want to do. :\ God. What i would do to make her smile. eff. I just remembered. Im also going to miss watching tv with eachother everynight before bed. Ill leave a PURPLE STICKY NOTE [the mac app] for her and try and write her something nice to come home to in the event i am not. I seriously do not feel good. i feel like a child. i want to throw a fit. this morning I did. she laughed and kissed me and called me cute. but last night. last night was like a dream. the nights before too. but she even said last night felt different in a good way. Sometimes me thinks i love her more than she loves me. ahhaha. but in her arms im safe. the way she says my name. it just flows right. We just work together automatically as a team. she could be in one room and I could be in another. she could meow and i would respond with a meow and that kinda locates eachother and says things we dont say at the same time. sounds weird. maybe its just me. but im sitting here. looking at her empty bed. just wishing. wishing she wants to be mine forever. that shell let me love her and let me into that heart of hers.

crossfire

you been gone all day. you arent happy about it. and on top of that you do not feel so good. :\ i dont want to bother you, but at the same time i just want to make sure you are okay. my hyper activity probably is not what you need to be dealing with so you calmly told me you do not feel like talking. that is fine dear. do what you have to do to get back to being okay. ill be here. like i always am. :] smile. nothing good comes from frowning. and besides, you have such the beautiful smile. I love you.
(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

[to make you smile, just what the doctored ordered, a dose of my dorkiness]
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop!




just dont want to get you upset with me. it always kills me to see you down. :\

SO SMILE! <3


uh oh. you said you have chicken pox. well idgaf (i do but you get what i mean!) im seeing you tomorrow as long as you want to see me. I must take care of you. there is a oatmeal bath in your future as well as a movie marathon. <3

sex.

just wow. this song. grrr. my pants. ;) play it with me and watch out. :D

im the little lion man. you are my cave

little did she know she was loved

ahah.creeper status. but i was going through my flickr getting ready to create my new art site and i noticed a picture of her i had in my collection that was from september of 2009. she looks so cute. just perfect in everyway. I love her. :]

mylife/counseling 250/fightclub

my counseling class is a fight club. when i was in counseling 250 today we split up into groups and discussed self-emotions and the like, even things we see in the world. My group [who are all AMAZING and wonderful people might i add] and i got to discussing peoples need to feel perfect. to do their best. this was brought up when I stated i used to feel the need to basically work myself to death and how its ridiculous how some people want to be perfect when obviously perfection at something is never possible. That was coupled with how people always spend money on trivial things in order to seem perfect.

"Fuck off with your sofa units and string green stripe patterns,
I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let...
lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may."

after that we discussed the relative idiocracy of people going so fast through life that they do not take the time to just chill. Like for example, a person who just keep's doing things, keep's going places, never taking the time to slow down and just take in the situation. At one point in the flurry and flutter of all this action, one could become a different person.

"You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth,
BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your
life, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor
International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place,
could you wake up as a different person? "

haha. ty dear for reminding me about fightclub. i thought about it and about today and it kind of clicked. its funny how its applicable you know? Like now i am studying for a math exam tomorrow [wish me luck] and i know ill not be able to sleep even when im in bed

"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never
really awake."

I think fightclub is a book that is visibly applicable to everyday life. Hey. I like putting thigns together and making them fit. I like being clever.


- Oh I get it. It's very clever.
- Thank you.
- How's that workin' out for you?
- What?
- Being clever.
- Great.
- Keep it up then.

Not a bad day. excited for saturday. boo friday. just want to see her. hold her. kiss her. hug her. if love is a drug, i am addicted. i can feel my cheeks blushing. you asked me why. and its because i thought of you. like overload thought. meaning. at once, ONCE mind you, i thought of you. who you are. your personality. i just want to be with you. i know you just like that quote. but i want to be that for you. i want you to be that for me. :]

rainy tuesday

today it rained. so i put on my warm clothes. pretty imagineable. picture me in what i usually wear + a sweat and a jacket. so warm and cuddly! :]. so pretty good day. went to school early and then to class. it was wet to say the least. but enjoyable. very cold. i just want to cuddle. so i went to 711 on the way home and got myself some treats. I got:
Spiced pumkin lattee and these goodies:

that is right. your eyes did not just stutter. THE watermelon 5 gum. the most orgasmic of orgasmic of gums. and it is all yours. :] i looked everywhere to find it for you.
i just failed at telling you my joke.!! im so hyper all i wanna do is cuddle with you. :] i hope it doesnt rain saturday. oooh. and thunder no more thunder, okay thunder only if its the thunder cats..

THUNDER CATS
THUNDER CATS
THUNDER CATS HOOOOOO!!!

christine. you are my hero. i called you crying and without a question you came to me. my girl came back to me. i can never repay you. never find the words to say. I love you. you are my whole damn world. I can not wait for the day you tell me you want to be mine forever. we held eachother tonight and things felt right again. you and me. we are quite a pair arent we. but you. you are different. you are different from everyone i have ever met. there comes a time. a couple times when someone comes along who changes you. you are that person. you have changed me. you continue to change me. life is an adventure with you. just like. i feel GAH! how you put it? "butterflies again" i hope thats how you feel. just seeing you lying there. in my arms.


SMILING. actually happy to see me. be with me.I want to be the one you immediently want to share your day with. Haha like how I feel about you. Like "oh this is really awesome can't wait to tell neeny about it". That explains some of my randomness, but you hopefully see my point! i just wanted to cry all over again. not out of sorrow. but pure unfiltered happiness. when you are sad. i am sad. when you are mad. im mad. its just we revolve around eachother in the simplest yet complex ways. we were looking up dogs and we said the same type of dog, chowchow at the same time. what in the world are the odds of that? when im out of the room you come to me. not because you have nothing else to do, but you miss me. i do not know quite how to explain it. I just want to hold your hand. be there for you. I call you my little flower because i realize how fragile yet strong you are at the same time. for the longest time i felt nothing. no worth. i wanted to die. i felt so ugly. like a beast. and then this beauty comes along and she makes this grizzly bear into a teddy bear. To me. to me.. you truly are the most beautiful thing i have ever laid my eyes on. not even that. beyond that. nothing compares to you. not seeing a band i like. not my friends. not games. nothing. I just want to be your best friend. im so proud of you. you are such a strong person. you are alot stronger than you know.i want you to be proud of me. i want to be your hero [wheres that darn paper you wrote?!?!]I want to be your partner in crime. go through life knowing i get to wake up next to the smartest. prettiest. HEAVENLY person ever. just when you smile there is this glow. this aura around you. you just shine and exude happiness. you have touched me. in many ways. [those ways too] I am ready when you are. ill dive right into your heart and hold it. we are interdepenent you and i. intertwined. id say id give you my heart but its not mine to give. its been yours all along. have a great day neeny. :]

You were sick last night. I got angry with you and hurt. But then you started to get really sick and I started to freak out. My heart can not take seeing you in pain. I so badly just want to hold you, even just for one moment. or at least see your face. I honestly do not know how you can say i dont care. I care about you more than my life or anything else. Dont play the victim with me. I will always care. Maybe you dont know the extent of my love for you. At 2 am when she was not responding to me i thought i actually lost you. my mind was blank yet at the same time it was racing with thoughts. I tried texting her but she this time was not responding back. I wanted to die if you died. you told me you loved me and if anything happened you were sorry. I didnt want to hear that. I dont like it when you get down on yourself and life. You have so much to live for. I stayed up until i passed out at what i think was 5 am. When i woke i had a text from the only person who truly matters to me. She calls me babe. :) I so badly want to be the one you run to instead of run away from. the one you cry to instead of cry about.

You say you are lost.
Let me be your light.
You say no one will save you.
Let me be your shining knight.
Yeah you've opened up the door from the start.
Let me not into your heart.


I want to be your hero again.

I want to find the words to make you feel comfort. I want you to love me again. I want you to want to spend time with me again. Whatever you are going through right now, i get it. we all get like this. where we just want to run and leave it all behind. She feels alone but she doesnt know I am here for her. I just wish you would stop hiding behind those tragic eyes of yours and open them up to see how many people love you. how I love you.

how ill always unconditionally love you.

the lost you

god I can never ever be sad with lolcats around. im bored to tears. you havent messaged me in a while and im sad panda.

[lolcats=awesomebbqsaucehappyawec]

[HOOD-the lost you]

balun.

whenever i feel sad, this is my happy song. been listening to it alot lately. :\

I just want to be happy. you know? you talk about running. i want to run to you. its pathetic i know. but its true. sometimes i feel like i love you way more than you love me and it scares you or something XD.



[similar music i listen to, its by obscure artists i know, but they are amazing]
[similar music mix aka happy music mix]

wish i could hug you.

I am kinda feeling sad. I know its pathetic but I miss her. bad. like nothing ever before. these past two weeks have been hard and draining, things seem better today. you texted me and you said you loved me. :] but you are busy right now at a blood drive selling t-shirts. :O i hope you change your mind and want to come over tomorrow. I really would like to hold you again.

every time she texts me my heart jumps. literally. i get so happy. i could talk to you forever but i just feel annoying. ahha.

Oh gosh. I am such a loser. I hope I am enough for you. I want to be your knight in shining armor. if that is not cliche enough for people then how about this little diddy:

you ARE my everything.

i was thinking, over thinking. look in my eyes. cause you're my dream please come true.

filling in the lines.

I know things are tough. I know you want to start over. I know you want to run away. But it seems you have been running for a while now dear. Whatever causes you pain you seem to hide and build your walls higher. Run to me. Run into my arms. I am your rock. You'll always have me. I'll always love you. I am not trying anymore. I am doing. I am making this relationship better. no matter what. I am not going to lose you. Just promise me. Promise me one thing. You'll never run away from anything again. I am your alec. and you. you are my neeny. we are magnets.

Spinning Out

I remember it so clearly
It was a dark gray rainy day
I came over feeling sorry, standing drunk there from the rain
Yeah you opened up the doorway looking broken from the start
You let me in and I began

I feel like I've been over my head
I slowly self destruct
I guess I'm blinded by the sun and lost up above
I wonder who picks up the pieces when we fall apart
Even empires burn to ashes, I don't know where to start

Spinning out I think we've lost control
Were burning down every letter that we wrote
Bruised for now, some bruises just don't fade
I know somehow, someway things will get better

I remember it so clearly as you walked out of your door
You said "wait, wait" I can't take no more
Of the slurred excuses, every single word I every said was in your benefit
I felt my world fall down around me, my world jut split apart
Guess it's alright when your left with broken hearts
Because you grow with good intentions
You learn more about this life
I watched our empire burn to ashes as you left me there that night

Spinning out I think we've lost control
Were burning down every letter that we wrote
Bruised for now, some bruises just don't fade
I know somehow, someway things will get better

Spinning out I think we've lost control
Were burning down every letter that we wrote
Bruised for now, some bruises just don't fade
I know somehow, someway things will get better

Don't wait, can't take more of this mess
You're late on every broken promise
And all I want is for everything to be all right again
But I can't wait again

Spinning out I think we've lost control
Were burning down every letter that we wrote
Bruised for now, some bruises just don't fade
I know somehow, someway things will get better

Spinning out I think we've lost control
Were burning down every letter that we wrote
Bruised for now, some bruises just don't fade
I know somehow, someway things will get better


please. dont be like this. I love you. i cant stand it when this happens.

...

Waking up. Not good. I stayed up practically all night [till 5:30] making sure everything was alright and I was not needed. I wake up less than ten minutes ago and you have "been thinking about things." I do not know why this keeps happening. Is it because you are afraid to love me?, be loved? both? I could be wrong all together and this is a good "been thinking about things." but then again when is that ever good? it is practically the cliche line of "we need to talk." you have not responded to me yet, you get on lunch soon. I think I am going to be sick. Maybe a shower will help. Where is ambien when i need it?

We are snomen

Love. Trust. Faith. Reliance. All words to a lot of people. The difference between them being just words is when we give them meanings ourselves. Other than that they are just letters who happened to stumble together. I love you. I trust you. I have faith in you. I rely on you. I know that you think I am all talk. Or I am not trust worth enough to be yourself around me or even trust me to hold your heart, and you have a right to be careful about your feelings. Your heart is truly special. It is so full of love. It makes you such a nice person. I know that deep down you love me, though sometimes you may not verbalize then when you get frustrated at me. I also know I do not help the situation sometimes. But I try my best. I never do anything out of spite and I always try to have the best intention in mind when I do things. If you give me your heart. Allow me that special gift that few have ever been lucky enough to receive, I promise you I will not break it. I am totally and irrevocably in love with her. She may not know that or believe that. But I will let her know everyday. I'll never stop loving her. To me she is the greatest thing ever created. I can not wait to spend another day of my life with her. Is it possible to love someone to the brink of insanity?

How do I get myself into these things? maybe I am insane. Maybe for once one of my poems is true. I am the physical manifestation of everything I hate. I am too protective, a push over, I try to make everyone happy [always a recipe for failure btw]. It just seems the more I try the more I hurt the one person who means anything and the most to me. It's just things snowball. It starts off as a little feelings of self doubt, "You are not doing a so good job at being a boyfriend there buddy boy". Then it rolls from self-doubt kept to myself to spoken word shared with Christine. From me sharing my uncertainty with Christine it hits the ? mark block and mushrooms into a whole war about how things are. I know I am a sad excuse for a boyfriend right now. But I am trying. I try hard. Every single second of every single day. Its torture at its worst when the one person who is constantly on my mind is the one person who can even barely stand loving me if associating with me at all. I am crazy I know that. I am not even denying the fact that I can be a dick sometimes. But I never do it out of spite. I always try to have the best in mind and that is something I have a hard time articulating I suppose. I am just afraid [on being protective] of something hurting little flower that I lose it. I over think things is what happens. I end up hurting things way more than anyone else. Me. I will gladly take all the blame where blame is due. And the worst part about all this is that despite what is said or who says what to who, I know in my heart we are good for each other and love each other.

Loud. Silence.

Is there anybody there? I'm screaming but no one is answering my pathetic cries for help. The world is a awful place from my standpoint. Its easy to be pessimistic. Someone may see a rose and not its thorns; I stare at the thorns, oblivious to the rose. There is so much pressure and my head feels so full. I can't take it you know? It is like more and more just keeps piling on and soon it will just crush me. Do not get me wrong, I have hope. I have reason to try. I have Christine. Is that sad? that only ONE person is keeping me from breaking when I so badly want to just give up? It is just that she is so wonderful and understanding. She cares what happens to me and what I do. If I do not do good on a quiz or something, she is there to say "you'll get it next time!," or when life gets unbearable, she is there, by my side, picking up my slack. ALWAYS there. That is partly why I am so afraid to lose her. I literally do not think I could go on without her. I do not give a fuck if that is sad or pathetic. A big fuck you to anyone who think "oh he does not know what love is, he is only 19". I am young. I get that. But I have more responsibility than some adults. Picture that. Teenager with adult responsibilities. For a mental image its like this: Imagine stuffing a large quantity of something in a small small jar. Too much. Anywho, I could care less who says I am too young to know what love is or what not. Love is being there for someone, no matter if they are up or down. Love is taking the punches when someone hurts you, and not putting it in their face. Love is driving 40 minutes several times a week just to SEE someone. Finally, Love is an adventure, and there is no one I would (or will) rather spend it with.

ZOMG BBQ SAUCE DOUBLE BLOGGING

Live What You Love: 50 Questions to Ask Yourself

Probing into myself isn’t easy. I’m so thick-headed. I can adequately probe someone else, but when it comes time to ask myself, “what do I want?” I always come up blank. So as an exercise for myself and you, I’ve created a list of questions to ask ourselves to help define that passion. They are not in any particular order, except for my own random stream of consciousness. I tried to avoid common cliche questions, as I’ve never found them helpful and you probably wouldn’t either. I write the questions followed appropriately by the answers that I think best represent me at this moment in time.

1. How do you really feel about what you are doing right now at this exact moment?
-I feel indifferent. Anxious?

2. What is your fondest childhood memory? Who was there? What was going on?
-I can not really remember my FONDEST one. hmm.. Christmas morning? IDK. whenever my grandma chased me around the house with dinosaur boots on. My mom, grandpa, sister. grandma and me. We were relaxing around the house.

3. How comfortable are you in your home?
-not very? XD

4. How comfortable are you in your town/city? State?
-I like my town, it's okay. California is good. But I want to move east between a lake and the ocean. hehe.

5. What kind of weather do you like?
- I have been known to take a liking to light rain

6. Do you believe you can have your cake and eat it, too? Why or why not?
-YES! Theoretically if one has cake then would they not eat it? haha. Yes, Because when someone does something in particular they can enjoy the fruits of their labor.

7. What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really loved?
-I loved my mother's ability to always try and make me smile.

8. What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really do not like?
-oh God. I would need a book to answer this one. So I shall skip.

9. Do you like what you are doing for money?
-Are you calling me a prostitute? Don't Judge me.

10. What do you feel is your greatest skill?
-My ability to make friends?

11. What do you feel is your greatest personality trait?
-My kindness and never ending love.

12. Do you feel like anything in your life is holding you back from ultimate joy? List everything.

-LOL. Mother.

13. Write a paragraph or two about your ideal weekend/time away from work. Include location, sights, smells, food, activities, and people.

14. How close are you in proximity to the people you absolutely adore the most?
-Well Right now (Sunday, October 10th, 2010 at 7:18 pm) I would guess 5 miles? (20 min)

15. What do you want out of life?
-To Love and to be loved in return.

16. How do you think people will remember you, when you die?
I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

17. How do you want people to remember you, when you die?
-Kind, Caring, Loving, Loyal. Bad Ass. "Making it Rain"

18. Write your epitaph - the sentence you would want to appear on your grave.
-LOL. "DOUBLE RAINBOW" -sike- here:
I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

19. What is one thing you could do today, this week, this month, or this year to get a step closer to creating the legacy in #17?
-What I will do in about 2 hours.

20. How do you feel about your home furnishings?
-Wtf does this even mean? umm. My wood is made out of rich mahogany? I have many leather bound books?

21. Do you have a hobby that you like to do but you don’t get paid for? What is it?
-Yes. I help teach kids sometimes on Sundays. :)

22. Does money hold you back from anything? What does it hold you back from? Be very specific.
-pshh no. I make it rain (pennies). Actually at the moment not really? Moving out sooner than later?

23. What do you think of passionate people?
-I think passionately? XD I dunno, um I think if anyone really loves something so much they are passionate then kudos?

24. Do you know anyone who you feel is living their dream? Who? What do they do all day and night? Be very specific.
-HAHAH Ariadne. She dreams while Cobb enters her dreams.

25. Do you think you can be completely satisfied living where you do right now?
-Two Words: HELL NO.

26. What do you want to accomplish?
-Being able to comfortably support my littleflower.

27. Do you want to change your career?
-no.

28. Do you wish you lived closer to a certain someone or group of people?
-OH GOD YES.YES . YES. YES. YES.

29. Do you wish you lived in a foreign country or a far away state?
-East Coast.

30. What are three things that you do everyday that make you totally happy?
-Talk to my little flower. Play games. Read.

31. What do you want to pass on to your children?
-My litteflowers eyes, my kindness. Never to give up on anything and if you see something you want GO for it. Do whatever it takes.

32. What is something you have never tried but would like to?
-Skydiving.

33. Are there things in life you wish you could reverse or make right?
-Sure. But I wouldnt give up anything if it changed who I meet.

34. Do you feel like you have enough money to live the way you want to?
-Hahah. Almost there.

35. Are you happy when you think about the upcoming day and all that it comes with?
-One word: Tylenol. -.- okay two more: Extra Strength.

36. What do you find challenging?
-Living

37. What do you find thrilling?
-Living

38. What are three memories you haven’t yet created but you would like to?
-Goign to the zoo with my little flower and lil Alec

39. Do you feel energized when you work?
-sure?

40. Do you feel creative when you work?
-yes?

41. Describe what you consider work, and what you consider play. What are the differences?
-Work = something you do for money. Play = something you do for fun. Differences are self explanitory.

42. Do you feel blessed or lucky to wake up each day? How can you get to that point?
-Not really. Elimination problems in my life.

43. If all of your debt was forgiven tomorrow, and you had a completely clean slate, what is the very FIRST thing you would change about your life?
-I am in debt? shit.

44. Where are three places you have always thought about living but never did?
-"Never did".. so I am assuming at this point you claim I am dead? :(

45. When do you want to retire?
-50? is that too late?

46. Is there an award or accolade you have always dreamed of winning or being recognized for?
-"Making it rain"

47. If you could learn how and money was not an issue, is there anything else you would do for work besides what you are doing now? Be specific.
-Love.

48. List three things you would immediately change about your work day if you were the boss (assumes you are not the boss).
-Nap time. More help. Meditation period.

49. List three things you would immediately start doing on the weekends if you had the money.
- Ride a Giraffe. Touch a lion. Swim with sharks. Insult a llama. Buy a penguin.

50. Imagine it is a big holiday and you are with your loved ones and you are living what you truly love. When they ask what you have been doing, what do you say in reply?
-sex. (rofl copter)



umm.. I have been with you. -.-?

Love and other such Fairytales

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

These past few weeks have included some of the hardest days I have ever been through. Oh to name a few:

The day (now turned into WEEKS, practically a MONTH) where my grandpa went to the hospital
The day my girlfriend has a hard day (always terrible days for me too)
and the constant fighting my mother has put on me.

So happy right? But what do you expect? I have not had a run of good luck for a long long time. And face it life's a bitch what can one do but move on?

I have put alot of though to what to do to alievate my stress. I think i have decided on cutting out all of the crap in my life. I.E. if someone is being a rude person to me? why not be blunt and brutally honest to them about things? That seems the most favorable way to me but the problem is it goes against my nature. I cant just SAY things to someone, Im not a mean person. I dont hurt people on purpose like that just to hurt them, nor do i rub it into their faces when they do it to me. In fact I am a bit of a push over.


I have always thought and felt that inheretly there is some good in everyone. Deep down. Call me a dork for reading or saying this next sentence, but I guess that is why i enjoyed reading The Diary of Anne Frank.

Something that really really sucks is when someone close to you just freaking rips into you. I mean they practically face you and they rip out your heart whilst reading a first edition of Frost and then burning Frost. Impossible sounding right? well WRONG. it happens. while it shouldnt and it again. SUCKS EGGS. so what does one do?

You have to escape.

and that is my word of the fucking month.