I've got a bulletproof heart

I know you are not feeling like yourself. maybe you don't want to share with me whatever is going on. you are hurting and I'm helpless to do
anything because of your fear of letting me get really close. I don't care how long it takes, what it takes. I'm not going to backdown. not now, not ever. I am in total and irrevocable love with you. i don't want to wakeup. if this is a dream I want to sleep forever. I just want to love you. it kills me. like someone just took a hammer to my
favorite possession, pain beyond
belief When I see you hurt, I can feel it. more cliche bullshit but I dont care, it's
how I feel. you mean the world to me, I can barely put it into words my feelings for you. this past weekend has been one of the worst in my life. Friday was just absolutely horrid. one of my worst nightmares. Saturday was dealing with the hell of never seeing my grandpa again. my depression, my secret illness , the cause and effect behind my fake smile. so yes, I do understand more
than you think about what you are going through. the random
mood swings, distaste in usual likes, morbid thoughts, the lack of
capacity to even move, like you just want to lay down abd die and if you did it would be okay, you wouldn't mind. or even the pushing of loved ones away, how you could wake up and just want nothing to do with people who are close to you either because you do not wsnt to drag them into your personal hell with you. abd to someone depressed that is what your mind is, a personal hell, a prison where the madness of the mind, the insufferable lonely feeling. you are angry about everything, confused, sad. and forces you to look at the monster you transform into. the fear of going to someone about it, the embarrassment, the fear of
them not getting why exactly you on the turn of a dime get frustrated and
angry. and the pride you will lose for showing a ounce of weakness, almost as if you share your vunerablility as soon as you do everyone will jump on you. at least thats what I go through.
I feel horrible. for the way I had to leave my grandpa behind, the man whom raised me and loved me. to see him like that was seeing the living dead. no more ambhition, no fears, no anger, happiness or sadness. a hollow
shell of what used to be a living breathing man. and to dope that person on morphine. ludicrous. I've lost him. chalk another one up to the hospital. hearing him ask me to come home, abd for me a 19 yearold punk to tell him to his face "no" I
can never forgive myself for breaking his heart. I am a vulnerable person. I am laying it all out on the line, all my
fears and innermost thoughts here in the hopes you can one day share with me your innermost thoughts . sometimes I just want to scream. every pore, everything inside me wants to just fucking scream. at everything and everyone. I still can not get close to fire
because of getting
burned by it in my house fire. I have
never said that to anyone. I have the same nightmare. I wake up Abd I'm standing in my burning house. flames all around me. no escape. just
the agony of watching everything around me turn to ash abd the realization that I too am damned. the point is, you are not alone. I'm here for you no
matter what, no matter what we go through, I am
not going to leave your side. one thing I learned my little flower, is When you love someone you accept
them for
who
they are and never give
up on them and stick
by their side. so
the next time you feel depressed or
sad or scared, angry, happy I'm here for you. love you forever and always

Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls
every time that you lose it sing it for the world
Sing it from the heart
Sing it till you're nuts
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world

I"ve got a

I know you are not feeling like yourself. maybe you don't want to share with me whatever is going on. you are hurting and I'm helpless to do
anything because of your fear of letting me get really close. I don't care how long it takes, what it takes. I'm not going to backdown. not now, not ever. I am in total and irrevocable love with you. i don't want to wakeup. if this is a dream I want to sleep forever. I just want to love you. it kills me. like someone just took a hammer to my
favorite possession, pain beyond
belief When I see you hurt, I can feel it. more cliche bullshit but I dont care, it's
how I feel. you mean the world to me, I can barely put it into words my feelings for you. this past weekend has been one of the worst in my life. Friday was just absolutely horrid. one of my worst nightmares. Saturday was dealing with the hell of never seeing my grandpa again. my depression, my secret illness , the cause and effect behind my fake smile. so yes, I do understand more
than you think about what you are going through. the random
mood swings, distaste in usual likes, morbid thoughts, the lack of
capacity to even move, like you just want to lay down abd die and if you did it would be okay, you wouldn't mind. or even the pushing of loved ones away, how you could wake up and just want nothing to do with people who are close to you either because you do not wsnt to drag them into your personal hell with you. abd to someone depressed that is what your mind is, a personal hell, a prison where the madness of the mind, the insufferable lonely feeling. you are angry about everything, confused, sad. and forces you to look at the monster you transform into. the fear of going to someone about it, the embarrassment, the fear of
them not getting why exactly you on the turn of a dime get frustrated and
angry. and the pride you will lose for showing a ounce of weakness, almost as if you share your vunerablility as soon as you do everyone will jump on you. at least thats what I go through.
I feel horrible. for the way I had to leave my grandpa behind, the man whom raised me and loved me. to see him like that was seeing the living dead. no more ambhition, no fears, no anger, happiness or sadness. a hollow
shell of what used to be a living breathing man. and to dope that person on morphine. ludicrous. I've lost him. chalk another one up to the hospital. hearing him ask me to come home, abd for me a 19 yearold punk to tell him to his face "no" I
can never forgive myself for breaking his heart. I am a vulnerable person. I am laying it all out on the line, all my
fears and innermost thoughts here in the hopes you can one day share with me your innermost thoughts . sometimes I just want to scream. every pore, everything inside me wants to just fucking scream. at everything and everyone. I still can not get close to fire
because of getting
burned by it in my house fire. I have
never said that to anyone. I have the same nightmare. I wake up Abd I'm standing in my burning house. flames all around me. no escape. just
the agony of watching everything around me turn to ash abd the realization that I too am damned. the point is, you are not alone. I'm here for you no
matter what, no matter what we go through, I am
not going to leave your side. one thing I learned my little flower, is When you love someone you accept
them for
who
they are and never give
up on them and stick
by their side. so
the next time you feel depressed or
sad or scared, angry, happy I'm here for you. love you forever and always

Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls
every time that you lose it sing it for the world
Sing it from the heart
Sing it till you're nuts
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world

.

God what am I doing. I walk Around and I panic. So many different faces. I look at everyone and I think how sad. Life is a joke because no matter all these people do, no matter how hard. They try, all their joys worries and fears mean nothing it's all bullshit really. it's pointless. So much pressure.fzrom all sides. There are 23 ways out of this continually shrinking cage and I dont want to take any of them. I just want to dissapear. Become the Ghost i so Despise. People can see right fhrougj me. Maybe I need A tan. new kid new town. I don't fit in. Everyone stares like who the Eff are you. I just want to see you so bad. I know you hate it but I can't get enough of you. You are the only place I fit in, the only place I call home.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I'm melting. Home. What is home? I don't feel at home anywhere. Not at one house not at another house. I just feel like I am doomed to wander. These rolling depressions will be the end of me.  I feel at home with you. That is the only place I feel safe. When I hold you and look you in the eyes I see you won't hurt me, you'll never cheat on me, never abuse me, always be safe in your arms. It's almost 9:30am my day is just starting. I want to shake this freaking weird mood. I wish you would text me but you can't because of class. Ahha mater gay. (mater dei). God I just feel
Bad right now. I hurt when you hurt and I know you are feeling bad right now.  You tried to explain and I tried to understand. I love you. I'm just trying so hard to make you smile and happy with me. 

Seem to stop my breath. My head on your chest waiting to cave in

Every second I'm without you I'm a mess.