I just know

I'm not sure about A lot of things in life. I don't know why my mother and sister hate me. I don't know when the weather is going to change, what the next semester has to bring, I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, and I don't know why the cage bird sings. I just know I love you. Thats right. I love you. I walked into ceramics
one day and took one look at you
and I just felt something. something like I have never felt before. you were cute. looking down at something on your table. you had this focus on whatever it was yet somehow you also were aware of everything around you. I would look over at you throughout the year just to catch a glimpse of you. and to my surprise you were sometimes staring back at me. our
eyes would meet and you would
quickly look back down with this
scared look on your face. I had to know you. I just wanted to know all about you. I wanted to
hear about your day and get to know
you. so I would walk by your
table and pretend to talk to
Vicky who say across
from you.  you seemed tense
when I was near you. and then the day I said hi. I managed to blurt
out this nervous and stupid "hi" like an idiot. I mean you always walked out of class so fast. I remember one time being at my locker in the 100 Wing and. you were at yours. you took one look at me and booked it passed me as I looked at you. I thought you
hated me. but still I
had to know. and everything
That has happened from then till now, I still have that feeling for you. but intensified
by a million infinity. I still must know
you. everything about you. Saturday we had a deep talk. we talked about everything.  I told you
I was afraid of bejng cheated on
and you letting me get close. but you said you were letting me into your
heart abd to me darling, Thst means a whole lot.  so I leave you with my love until I see you next. my Walls are down my love. you Have conquered me. I
don't know much. I am a simple man. I just know I love you and it seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you. 

forever and always...

I've got a bulletproof heart

I know you are not feeling like yourself. maybe you don't want to share with me whatever is going on. you are hurting and I'm helpless to do
anything because of your fear of letting me get really close. I don't care how long it takes, what it takes. I'm not going to backdown. not now, not ever. I am in total and irrevocable love with you. i don't want to wakeup. if this is a dream I want to sleep forever. I just want to love you. it kills me. like someone just took a hammer to my
favorite possession, pain beyond
belief When I see you hurt, I can feel it. more cliche bullshit but I dont care, it's
how I feel. you mean the world to me, I can barely put it into words my feelings for you. this past weekend has been one of the worst in my life. Friday was just absolutely horrid. one of my worst nightmares. Saturday was dealing with the hell of never seeing my grandpa again. my depression, my secret illness , the cause and effect behind my fake smile. so yes, I do understand more
than you think about what you are going through. the random
mood swings, distaste in usual likes, morbid thoughts, the lack of
capacity to even move, like you just want to lay down abd die and if you did it would be okay, you wouldn't mind. or even the pushing of loved ones away, how you could wake up and just want nothing to do with people who are close to you either because you do not wsnt to drag them into your personal hell with you. abd to someone depressed that is what your mind is, a personal hell, a prison where the madness of the mind, the insufferable lonely feeling. you are angry about everything, confused, sad. and forces you to look at the monster you transform into. the fear of going to someone about it, the embarrassment, the fear of
them not getting why exactly you on the turn of a dime get frustrated and
angry. and the pride you will lose for showing a ounce of weakness, almost as if you share your vunerablility as soon as you do everyone will jump on you. at least thats what I go through.
I feel horrible. for the way I had to leave my grandpa behind, the man whom raised me and loved me. to see him like that was seeing the living dead. no more ambhition, no fears, no anger, happiness or sadness. a hollow
shell of what used to be a living breathing man. and to dope that person on morphine. ludicrous. I've lost him. chalk another one up to the hospital. hearing him ask me to come home, abd for me a 19 yearold punk to tell him to his face "no" I
can never forgive myself for breaking his heart. I am a vulnerable person. I am laying it all out on the line, all my
fears and innermost thoughts here in the hopes you can one day share with me your innermost thoughts . sometimes I just want to scream. every pore, everything inside me wants to just fucking scream. at everything and everyone. I still can not get close to fire
because of getting
burned by it in my house fire. I have
never said that to anyone. I have the same nightmare. I wake up Abd I'm standing in my burning house. flames all around me. no escape. just
the agony of watching everything around me turn to ash abd the realization that I too am damned. the point is, you are not alone. I'm here for you no
matter what, no matter what we go through, I am
not going to leave your side. one thing I learned my little flower, is When you love someone you accept
them for
who
they are and never give
up on them and stick
by their side. so
the next time you feel depressed or
sad or scared, angry, happy I'm here for you. love you forever and always

Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls
every time that you lose it sing it for the world
Sing it from the heart
Sing it till you're nuts
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world

I"ve got a

I know you are not feeling like yourself. maybe you don't want to share with me whatever is going on. you are hurting and I'm helpless to do
anything because of your fear of letting me get really close. I don't care how long it takes, what it takes. I'm not going to backdown. not now, not ever. I am in total and irrevocable love with you. i don't want to wakeup. if this is a dream I want to sleep forever. I just want to love you. it kills me. like someone just took a hammer to my
favorite possession, pain beyond
belief When I see you hurt, I can feel it. more cliche bullshit but I dont care, it's
how I feel. you mean the world to me, I can barely put it into words my feelings for you. this past weekend has been one of the worst in my life. Friday was just absolutely horrid. one of my worst nightmares. Saturday was dealing with the hell of never seeing my grandpa again. my depression, my secret illness , the cause and effect behind my fake smile. so yes, I do understand more
than you think about what you are going through. the random
mood swings, distaste in usual likes, morbid thoughts, the lack of
capacity to even move, like you just want to lay down abd die and if you did it would be okay, you wouldn't mind. or even the pushing of loved ones away, how you could wake up and just want nothing to do with people who are close to you either because you do not wsnt to drag them into your personal hell with you. abd to someone depressed that is what your mind is, a personal hell, a prison where the madness of the mind, the insufferable lonely feeling. you are angry about everything, confused, sad. and forces you to look at the monster you transform into. the fear of going to someone about it, the embarrassment, the fear of
them not getting why exactly you on the turn of a dime get frustrated and
angry. and the pride you will lose for showing a ounce of weakness, almost as if you share your vunerablility as soon as you do everyone will jump on you. at least thats what I go through.
I feel horrible. for the way I had to leave my grandpa behind, the man whom raised me and loved me. to see him like that was seeing the living dead. no more ambhition, no fears, no anger, happiness or sadness. a hollow
shell of what used to be a living breathing man. and to dope that person on morphine. ludicrous. I've lost him. chalk another one up to the hospital. hearing him ask me to come home, abd for me a 19 yearold punk to tell him to his face "no" I
can never forgive myself for breaking his heart. I am a vulnerable person. I am laying it all out on the line, all my
fears and innermost thoughts here in the hopes you can one day share with me your innermost thoughts . sometimes I just want to scream. every pore, everything inside me wants to just fucking scream. at everything and everyone. I still can not get close to fire
because of getting
burned by it in my house fire. I have
never said that to anyone. I have the same nightmare. I wake up Abd I'm standing in my burning house. flames all around me. no escape. just
the agony of watching everything around me turn to ash abd the realization that I too am damned. the point is, you are not alone. I'm here for you no
matter what, no matter what we go through, I am
not going to leave your side. one thing I learned my little flower, is When you love someone you accept
them for
who
they are and never give
up on them and stick
by their side. so
the next time you feel depressed or
sad or scared, angry, happy I'm here for you. love you forever and always

Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls
every time that you lose it sing it for the world
Sing it from the heart
Sing it till you're nuts
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world

.

God what am I doing. I walk Around and I panic. So many different faces. I look at everyone and I think how sad. Life is a joke because no matter all these people do, no matter how hard. They try, all their joys worries and fears mean nothing it's all bullshit really. it's pointless. So much pressure.fzrom all sides. There are 23 ways out of this continually shrinking cage and I dont want to take any of them. I just want to dissapear. Become the Ghost i so Despise. People can see right fhrougj me. Maybe I need A tan. new kid new town. I don't fit in. Everyone stares like who the Eff are you. I just want to see you so bad. I know you hate it but I can't get enough of you. You are the only place I fit in, the only place I call home.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I'm melting. Home. What is home? I don't feel at home anywhere. Not at one house not at another house. I just feel like I am doomed to wander. These rolling depressions will be the end of me.  I feel at home with you. That is the only place I feel safe. When I hold you and look you in the eyes I see you won't hurt me, you'll never cheat on me, never abuse me, always be safe in your arms. It's almost 9:30am my day is just starting. I want to shake this freaking weird mood. I wish you would text me but you can't because of class. Ahha mater gay. (mater dei). God I just feel
Bad right now. I hurt when you hurt and I know you are feeling bad right now.  You tried to explain and I tried to understand. I love you. I'm just trying so hard to make you smile and happy with me. 

Seem to stop my breath. My head on your chest waiting to cave in

Every second I'm without you I'm a mess.

i can tell she loves me. she let me be with her for 3 almost 4 days straight. she must have gotten tired of me at some point. I just got SO used to her SO fast being the last thing i see at night and the first thing i see in the morning. sleeping wont be the same. eating wont be the same. activities wont be the same. LIVING wont be the same. There is a part of me that never wants to leave. To always be here for her and her mom. I would say i have another side, but my first side killed my other side in an attempt to get its way. haha. she is at school right now and im actually REALLY missing her. last night/this morning was really special. I feel as if though I am about to cry. She isnt here. what if i leave and i leave here for good? as in move out. :( ill cry. My life is changing. I have alot more time now. virtually I can go out ANYTIME. literally. I hope she wants to spend time with me. I mean. pretty much all i want to do. :\ God. What i would do to make her smile. eff. I just remembered. Im also going to miss watching tv with eachother everynight before bed. Ill leave a PURPLE STICKY NOTE [the mac app] for her and try and write her something nice to come home to in the event i am not. I seriously do not feel good. i feel like a child. i want to throw a fit. this morning I did. she laughed and kissed me and called me cute. but last night. last night was like a dream. the nights before too. but she even said last night felt different in a good way. Sometimes me thinks i love her more than she loves me. ahhaha. but in her arms im safe. the way she says my name. it just flows right. We just work together automatically as a team. she could be in one room and I could be in another. she could meow and i would respond with a meow and that kinda locates eachother and says things we dont say at the same time. sounds weird. maybe its just me. but im sitting here. looking at her empty bed. just wishing. wishing she wants to be mine forever. that shell let me love her and let me into that heart of hers.

crossfire

you been gone all day. you arent happy about it. and on top of that you do not feel so good. :\ i dont want to bother you, but at the same time i just want to make sure you are okay. my hyper activity probably is not what you need to be dealing with so you calmly told me you do not feel like talking. that is fine dear. do what you have to do to get back to being okay. ill be here. like i always am. :] smile. nothing good comes from frowning. and besides, you have such the beautiful smile. I love you.
(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

[to make you smile, just what the doctored ordered, a dose of my dorkiness]
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop!




just dont want to get you upset with me. it always kills me to see you down. :\

SO SMILE! <3


uh oh. you said you have chicken pox. well idgaf (i do but you get what i mean!) im seeing you tomorrow as long as you want to see me. I must take care of you. there is a oatmeal bath in your future as well as a movie marathon. <3